“The Trilogy”
(“A Narcoleptic’s
Guide to Romance”, “A Lexicon for the Sunday Morning Sleeper”, and “Partita”)
by
That Freaky Bitch ‘Bloom
(Or, as I like to call
this nice lil’ aggregate of fiction, “Why It’s Fun to Watch Fucked-Up People
Fall in Love”)
Either way you look at
it, it’s a mouthful, ain’t it?
Y’all
know by now everything there is to know about Ms. Darkbloom – that she’s listed
as an inspiration by everyone who’s listed in the Who’s Who of Fan Fic, that people have overheard the instance of someone
exclaiming, with feverish indignation, “Oh my GOD, Nabokov’s
a fan of hers, too! He put her in his
book!”, that she’s a 6” Swedish Albino in real life, that her girlfriend is
viciously protective (I still carry the teeth marks on my forearm with pride,
darling), that she’s talented, erudite, prefers her underwear pink, blah-blah –
BUT – what you may not know is that the woman is absolutely sweet on me. Bewitched, even, by Yours Truly. Completely and utterly. Beyond-the-point-of-no-return
kind of gone.
And
how can I tell?
Point 1.
I,
dear reader, wrote Ms Darkbloom a short, succinct, to the point kind of note
thanking her for her wonderfully evocative effort on “A Narcoleptic’s…”. I did. It is, after all, the polite thing to do –
thanking the artiste for their creation.
And if you know me at all – as I am quite certain you must at this point
– you will know that there was no hint of inappropriate or, God forbid,
suggestive language enmeshed in that note.
I had simply expressed my unrestrained and yet eloquently worded
appreciation of the story, the lyricism of prose presented and masterfully
crafted characters.
And
how does the authoress reply?
Why,
certainly, her original written response was ‘Thank You’ this and ‘Most Kind’
that and contained no overtures but then – THEN, dear reader – Ms Darkbloom
goes on to write the SECOND part to this story (otherwise known as “A
Lexicon…”), simply as a rather obvious (though woundingly well-written) excuse
to prompt me to write to her again!
Ya-huh!
That’s
what I said!
This
brings us to
Point 2.
since,
you see, despite my propriety and qualms about inadvertently encouraging Ms Darkbloom’s Sapphic (and yet clearly understandable)
infatuation with Yours Truly, I simply could not exhibit the sort of poor
manners which would be seen as horrid even in the Balkans, by not commenting on
her latest writing endeavor. Thus, as
any proper lady would do, I wrote to the novelist and, once again, most
graciously thanked her for sharing her extravagant talent with us.
Dare
you imagine what followed after that, dear reader? Have you the courage to continue with this
tale?
Yes?
Point 3.
Valentines Day, 2004.
“Partita” is published on a well-known fan fic site as one of the
entries submitted for the Valentines Invitational. My name is mentioned nowhere. There is no early warning by Ms Darkbloom to
alert me of this development. Matter of
fact, the writer herself, when contacted by me in regards to her newest story,
exhibits nothing but perplexed pleasure at hearing from me again (“Lissen, kid, did I or did I not tell you to cease and
desist? The cops have your address
memorized at this point – don’t make me send Lieutenant Big Bertha after you
again.”), but – dear reader – I knew. I knew it was all a ruse, a ploy, a decoy,
if thou wilt, a devious master plan executed toward the achievement of the
ultimate goal of ensnaring my attention, piquing my interest and – most
importantly – gaining access to my AbFab action figure collection! (The vintage 1994 Patsy
doll is dressed in hand-stitched white buckskin jumpsuit and comes with her own
tiny Stoli bottle, coke straw *and* a handbag filled
with sundry paraphernalia.)
Not
to mention that the ultimate happy ending and gads of hot sex we’re supposed to
extrapolate for the characters based on their final reuniting scene is, like,
SO about Ms Vivian’s futile attempt at sublimating her prurient thoughts about
me. Like, oh my god!
I
mean, honestly. What next, Ms Darkbloom
– you’ll post Chapter 8 of Coup de Grace in order to ensnare me into your
lustful web again? Eh? Eh?
(No, seriously, are you? Cause,
darlin’, I’ve been dyin’ here. Dying,
dying, dying!)
And,
thusly, I rest my case, dear readers. I
do have to put your minds at ease, however – you should not expect the authoress
to exhibit the same sort of obsessive behavior towards you after you drop her a
note of thanks upon reading her wonderful literary offerings – the gift and the
curse of being the Ultimate Muse to so many a dewy-eyed Poetesses is a cross I
must bear alone. At best, you can expect
a witty retort from Ms. Darkbloom (Viv, if you’re nasty) and that will be all…
Or,
will it…
G’wan, read. And drop her
a note.