Better
Than Ruling the World
by
Xena's
Little Bi(a)tch
I cannot
believe I did not recommend one of Julia Goldman's (aka
Xena's Little Bitch) stories before. In the same breath, I can't believe mauve is
considered an acceptable color for toilet paper. Really now. Stop and think about it; can you imagine
walking in the bathroom, sitting down to do your business, whistling a mindless
tune of some sort (Tom Petty's "Mary Jane's Last
Dance" for those curious in the crowd), reaching for toilet paper and… it's
mauve. Mauve.
There was a
moment of stunned disbelief there, I must tell you that. I mean - god - mauve! Not white, oh
no. Not even white with some stupid
floral accent in light blue, or maybe with "You're Thirty Now"
printed in bright red letters across each separate sheet. Nu-huh. Mauve. I guess gay
men must have a big in with Charmin these days.
But, I'll move
on now. (Mauve! Mauve, I tell ya!)
So, yes, there
was a bit of shock to get over there, but I was fine after a moment or two. And just as I thought nothing could surprise
and discombobulate me as much that day, what do I realize? I have no recommendation of Ms Bitch's story
on my site. Not one. That's when I started getting a bit
worried. I mean, they always say that
things come in threes, right? So there I
was, two shocking revelations in the span of a minute
- what'll be the third? Am I to realize
that I'm actually straight? Will it turn
out that George Dubbya Jr actually has a functioning
brain? The Earth is a giant marshmallow
puff stuck on the end of a long cosmic stick, getting ready for the alien
"scary stories night" by the bonfire?
What, what?
Instead of
waiting to find out, I decided to break the vicious cycle by writing a
recommendation and therefore canceling the need for the Third Revelation. And no, not just because
the little voices said so.
Anyway, back
to Xena's L. Bitch.
Wonderful, wonderful story. Xena: Warrior
Princess as we know her does not exist.
She did do a bit of slashing and hacking in her young age, did get a big
boat and get some honest pirating in, but she never fell for Ceasar's wiles.
Nope, instead, this Xena remained on the high
seas doing what she likes to do best, fishing and plundering.
That is, until
she gets a subtle hint that the young, twelve-year old girl she saved from the
slavers should be kept on her ship instead of turned away. Until the young, pre-pubescent blonde thing
manages to wrap the Menace of the
I loved this
story on so many levels I can't even name them all. The writing is very good, but I do have to
say that the strongest point of the story is the fresh look on the would-be
Conqueror. You will get definite
"star cross'd lovers" vibes from this one,
without the teenage suicide pact. There
is a wonderful bit of realism threaded throughout the story, as you find
yourself stopping and thinking, "But, she's only thirteen!" And that's the important thing. You stop.
And you think. And you like this
story even more.
Go read this
one, read it again if you already did. I
promise you'll like the innocent Xena - that is, as
innocent as Xena can be. After the show ender, I think we can all
appreciate a less bloody version of our heroines's
lives. I sure as hell did.
And while
you're at it, thank Xena's Little Bitch. What? What do you mean, "Which one?" How many little
bitches can Xena have?!… Oh…